Day: June 20, 2018

June 19, 2018

It is my second day in China. I finished Rachael’s book (so yesterday’s goal met!) The book is a fast but extremely good read and chock full of information. I love her humorous and gently insistent style. I might take her class in the Fall. Now my writing project starts from today. My goal for today is to start by planning my memoir. I have to create an outline with chapters and scenes for my project. And then, dip my first toe in by writing 500 words today. I am taking Rachael’s suggestion about writing bad first drafts very seriously and am planning to just get the words on paper. I think that doing the outline is somewhat easy, especially because it is like starting by drawing a line in the sand. I can always change it later. Important thing is to start building with the first block.

While having breakfast today, I noticed a little girl, about 7-8 years old, sitting with her mom at another table. The girl was happily chattering away. I remembered how my little Zubin loved to talk. He could talk non-stop about the most interesting stuff (to him) for a long time. And once he said “I love talking. I love the sound of words coming out of my mouth.” I used to sit next to my Zubin, just like that little girl’s mom, looking out distractedly and probably thinking of all the things she needed or wanted to do besides being a mom – have a career, do shopping, sightseeing, and just to be free. Except I am free now and I don’t want this freedom. I want nothing more than to take care of my Zubin and to laugh with him at his little boy jokes and the silly faces that he made.

At lunch I met another woman who admired my green earrings and said that her favorite color is green. I liked her instantly and shared that my son’s favorite color is green too. Then I showed her Zubin’s picture. She assumed that he was not with me at present (true in a way) and remarked “What a cute boy!” and then moved to the next topic. I didn’t say anything further because I didn’t want to share too much in case I made her uncomfortable and also because she thought Zubin was alive. I liked that and wanted him to keep on living in her mind.

Here is the view from the room where I have been writing:

June 18, 2018

So June 17 was already over (effect of traveling east) by the time we reached Xiamen, China. Today is my first day here. I thought of Zubin all of last evening and night. I couldn’t believe that I am traveling without him. That he will never again go anywhere with me – ever. My brain shuts itself when I think like that. So mostly I try to stay numb. I headed down to breakfast at Sheraton where I will be staying for the trip (lavish! I know. Benefits of being a corporate widow. Plus they give good discounts for frequent business travelers – thanks to my husband.) Zubin loved big breakfast buffets. You wouldn’t have been able to tell because he wasn’t a big eater. But give him some chicken nuggets, a petit chocolate chip muffin and cereal, and he was a happy camper. He mostly loved the pomp and show of these expansive spreads. Today is also Dragon festival in China. Zubin loved dragons. Not hard to imagine since they are the stuff that many little boys’ dreams are made of. He loved the legend and lore of it. He couldn’t get enough of dragon stories. Just for Zubin’s sake, I asked our concierge about the legend behind Dragon festival.

Legend goes (in a very condensed version) that there was a patriot and poet who lived around 300 BC in the state of Chu. His name was Qu Yuan. He was a major advisor to the King in the war among the seven states of Chu, Han, Qi, Qin, Wei, Yan and Zhao.  However his political opponents slandered him and got him exiled. The Kingdom of Chu subsequently lost to the state of Qin. Qu Yuan was so depressed by this defeat that he drowned himself in a river. The local people were very sad at his death and they rowed into the river and threw lumps of rice to feed the fish so that they would not eat his body. Resulting local traditions include dragon boat racing and eating sticky rice dumplings called zongzi. I think Zubin would have enjoyed this story – particularly the part about feeding the fish. In the evening we got invited to a friend’s home for dinner and got to eat some zongzi.

Between the jet lag due to the 15 hour time difference and the dinner with our friend’s family, I set myself a modest goal for today. I am working on finishing Rachael’s book and leaving the writing for tomorrow. I love you Zubin. I am thinking of you baby.