Thinking of Zubin

July 5, 2018

I have decided to change the name of the blog from Grieving in China to Thinking of Zubin. I haven’t been looking forward to writing for it. And I think it might help if I changed the name. Even Zubin would have said “That is a terrible name, mom! It is so…. sad.” Zubin was all about looking for fun even in the darkest moments. And I would rather be thinking of my Zubin everywhere than be grieving in the midst of all these nice new people that I am meeting. What is the difference, in this situation, between thinking and grieving? A lot. In grieving I am steeped in myself. I am only thinking about my loss – which is immense and indescribable. I have lost a massive piece of my soul. In grief I constantly feel his absence. But when I think of Zubin, it also brings joy to my heart that I got to be his mom for eleven beautiful years that were filled with so much love and laughter. Yes I feel pain, but I also smile. Because I am still his mom. So I carry him with me everywhere I go. I keep him close to me, no matter where I am in this world. I have to continue to be the mom that he would be proud of.

We spent this past weekend in the impressive city of Shanghai. The more I see of this country, the more impressed I am with the speed of development that is going on here. Shanghai was grand on its own scale. I have attached some pictures below. But even in small to mid size cities, the infrastructure is clean, modern and new. Roads are multi-lane, there is no trash almost anywhere and most people smile when they see you. If we set aside the political considerations of China, it is the ordinary hard working people, who are ultimately making it possible. I have not had a reason, so far, to be much interested in politics, so I won’t compare here the merits of one economic system versus another. However I do see that ultimately, at a basic level, we are all in a perpetual struggle to survive. Perhaps it is my own struggle to survive in the midst of my grief that colors my perspective so. But I feel that we have to rely on each other to live. And kindness and a smile or even a nod could help one deal with a crummy day a little bit better.

On the topic of my memoir, I was able to complete one really rough first draft. 45000 words done! But they are words that read more like my diary and less like something someone could read to the end. I have the Mount Everest of a task in front of me. And I don’t know yet which way to start climbing. In fact I am still sharpening my little ice axe and looking around for the rest of my mountaineering gear. And I am not even a climber. But somehow, I don’t know yet how, I hope to get there.