Month: August 2018

August 2018

The week of August 20 was back to school week in our elementary school district. Families got their class placements the Friday before the first week of school, which is a short week with school starting on a Wednesday. Kids greeted their room placements with either whoops of joy or disappointed eye rolls, depending on whether they were placed in the same room as their friends for the upcoming year. Friends called each other and discussed how great the next year was going to be. They couldn’t wait to see each other after the summer. They had plans for the new year. There were play dates, and discussion about school trips and other fun events expected during the year. The senior class (6th grade) dreamt of walking around school as the big bosses. Kids were bouncing up and down with excitement. Moms were feeling mixed emotions. On the one hand, now there were school lunches and rushed breakfasts to worry about, on the other there was relief that kids will now be kept busy with the return of a schedule that would include school days and after-school extra-curricular activities. I enjoyed spending time with my cuties over the summer, but overall school was a positive change for sure.

Until last year I was mom to one of these elementary school kids. Zubin would have been in 6th grade this year. Last year he had designed his t-shirt for the first day of school. He had woken up early, dressed quickly and impressed me with the speed at which he had finished breakfast so we could leave for school. Zubin loved school. He loved meeting up with friends. He loved school work. He loved being on upper grade playground.

This year they are all moving on without him. They are all so busy that the school hasn’t had time to build a proper memorial for him. They are excited about future and my son is now an after thought.

What did I do on the first day of school this year? I cried a lot, mostly early in the morning, when I was supposed to wake up Zubin for school. I ached for him. My heart bled. I texted congratulations and best wishes for a great new year to Zubin’s friends and considered their affectionate replies back as little hugs from him. Then I closed myself off from all the excitement in the air and climbed back into my dark crypt.

Sometimes, it is only possible to breathe by building thick insulating walls around oneself.  I am still waiting for the courage to open a door. I love you my zuzu-bean and I miss you.

Aug 8, 2018

It is time to return to the house in US. I don’t call it home because in my mind I don’t have a home any more. There is a saying “Home is where the heart is.” So if my heart is broken, do I lose my home too? It would seem so. The old definition of home no longer applies in my mind. Home included Zubin. Now it is just the three of us – trying to keep it together in a place that constantly calls out to the little boy who made it come alive with laughter and pranks.

As we walked out of the hotel room in Hong Kong, I felt a sinking feeling that I was missing something. I realized it was because I was going back without Zubin. Subconsciously I might still be looking for him. Maybe I came to Asia to wait out my pain? Hoping for things to return to normal. He still hasn’t shown up anywhere and that is making me sink into a deep despair. More than seven billion people in this world, and there wasn’t room for one little boy on this planet.

A few weeks back, I had seen these words on a poster in a friend’s home in Xiamen:  Life is short,  Time is fast; No replay,  No rewind; So enjoy every moment, as it comes.

A couple of years ago, I might have rolled my eyes at the cliched words. Now, I get the truth in them. Life is short (especially for some), Time is fast (eleven years went in the blink of an eye), No replay, No rewind (this one I wish for the MOST. I wish I could rewind just a few years.) It is a tall order for me to ‘enjoy every moment’, but I wish I had done that when I had Zubin and had been busy complaining about the stresses of my busy life. Perhaps it would have been smarter then to call my life “full” instead of “busy”?

As I stood at the SFO airport waiting for bags, I missed the hustle and bustle of Asia.  There were several people standing around calmly waiting. In China there would be noise, food smells and people jostling past me. There is an easy familiarity to it. It conveys that no one is too important to be pushed out of the way. But after seven weeks of it, I was ready for my personal bubble to cover me again.  The shift in physical appearance also stood out to me. Here, I am a size medium. In China and South Korea, I was size extra-large, if they had any clothes in my size at all. I was told in a couple of boutique stores that I was “too big.” I do not need new clothes for now, but it is nice to know I have several options. I head back to the town where I lost my baby with a heavy heart. I wish Zubin was with me. Not only in spirit – but in physical body so I can hug him, see his little boy face and hear him chattering away a mile a minute. My heart is still waiting.

 

 

 

 

 

July 24, 2018

After Korea, it was time for Shenzhen. Shezhen is a bustling city on the South China sea. It used to be a small fishing village until it was designated one of the first Special Economic Zones by the Chinese government. Within a span of some 38 years it grew from a population of 30,000 to about 12 million. It has the usual high rises (so many of them) that are now obligatory of every city worth its name in China. Most major buildings have lots of LED lights on their facades. These lights come on every night at sundown, and they feel bright, cheerful and festive. Buildings are decorated, as if for Christmas, every night. I did not quite understand why all those buildings have to be so lit up in July – when there are no major national or local festivals. All that light pollution! I wonder where China gets her power from that it can afford to waste so freely? As a parent, I am used to telling my two boys (correction: now only one) to switch off lights in their rooms when they are done to save electricity.

The city is eminently livable (one of the best places for expats living in China) and only 45 minutes by ferry from Hong Kong. On the SeaWorld plaza there are many excellent restaurants with lots of cuisine choices. SeaWorld Shezhen gets its name from an old cruise ship that is docked here and is now used as a hotel. Again bright twinkling lights everywhere!

This time our cab did not take us by any cancer hospitals. But I did notice lots of children with their parents and grandparents, trying to soak up the energy of SeaWorld plaza on that workday evening. Every time I look at a kid, or see something nice or eat something mildly reaction provoking, I wonder if Zubin would have liked it. It is my way of keeping him with me all the time.

It was a rainy couple of days in Shenzhen, so we mall-walked a lot – I am sure Zubin would not have liked it! He wasn’t a shopper.

A couple of local friends recommended we visit Splendid China and Folk cultural village theme parks one afternoon. The parks are right next to each other and have been recently merged, so admission to one gets you access to both. China Folk Culture Village is a LegoWorld style theme park. It has miniature versions of major cultural and historic landmarks from all over China. It covers a large area (China has lots to see) and the replicas are very detailed and seem very similar to the real versions. It is an interesting place to hang out. One can see all of China’s major landmarks, monuments and palaces in one afternoon. Folk Cultural village has small shows to watch as well, such as local dances performed by Tibetan folk dancers and Ulgur tribal women. When we entered this section from the Splendid China side there was a Chinese opera singer belting out some piece in Mandarin (picture attached.) It was an interesting cultural experience. There is a lot of walking involved but you could opt for a tour in a little golf cart style buggy or rent one yourself without a guide and take your time exploring.

I didn’t get the impression that Shenzhen has preserved much from its past. At least no one recommended anything worth visiting on that topic. I am looking  forward to Xian later in the trip for my history binge.