Aug 8, 2018
It is time to return to the house in US. I don’t call it home because in my mind I don’t have a home any more. There is a saying “Home is where the heart is.” So if my heart is broken, do I lose my home too? It would seem so. The old definition of home no longer applies in my mind. Home included Zubin. Now it is just the three of us – trying to keep it together in a place that constantly calls out to the little boy who made it come alive with laughter and pranks.
As we walked out of the hotel room in Hong Kong, I felt a sinking feeling that I was missing something. I realized it was because I was going back without Zubin. Subconsciously I might still be looking for him. Maybe I came to Asia to wait out my pain? Hoping for things to return to normal. He still hasn’t shown up anywhere and that is making me sink into a deep despair. More than seven billion people in this world, and there wasn’t room for one little boy on this planet.
A few weeks back, I had seen these words on a poster in a friend’s home in Xiamen: Life is short, Time is fast; No replay, No rewind; So enjoy every moment, as it comes.
A couple of years ago, I might have rolled my eyes at the cliched words. Now, I get the truth in them. Life is short (especially for some), Time is fast (eleven years went in the blink of an eye), No replay, No rewind (this one I wish for the MOST. I wish I could rewind just a few years.) It is a tall order for me to ‘enjoy every moment’, but I wish I had done that when I had Zubin and had been busy complaining about the stresses of my busy life. Perhaps it would have been smarter then to call my life “full” instead of “busy”?
As I stood at the SFO airport waiting for bags, I missed the hustle and bustle of Asia. There were several people standing around calmly waiting. In China there would be noise, food smells and people jostling past me. There is an easy familiarity to it. It conveys that no one is too important to be pushed out of the way. But after seven weeks of it, I was ready for my personal bubble to cover me again. The shift in physical appearance also stood out to me. Here, I am a size medium. In China and South Korea, I was size extra-large, if they had any clothes in my size at all. I was told in a couple of boutique stores that I was “too big.” I do not need new clothes for now, but it is nice to know I have several options. I head back to the town where I lost my baby with a heavy heart. I wish Zubin was with me. Not only in spirit – but in physical body so I can hug him, see his little boy face and hear him chattering away a mile a minute. My heart is still waiting.
Thinking of Zubin 