Back to School

August 2018

The week of August 20 was back to school week in our elementary school district. Families got their class placements the Friday before the first week of school, which is a short week with school starting on a Wednesday. Kids greeted their room placements with either whoops of joy or disappointed eye rolls, depending on whether they were placed in the same room as their friends for the upcoming year. Friends called each other and discussed how great the next year was going to be. They couldn’t wait to see each other after the summer. They had plans for the new year. There were play dates, and discussion about school trips and other fun events expected during the year. The senior class (6th grade) dreamt of walking around school as the big bosses. Kids were bouncing up and down with excitement. Moms were feeling mixed emotions. On the one hand, now there were school lunches and rushed breakfasts to worry about, on the other there was relief that kids will now be kept busy with the return of a schedule that would include school days and after-school extra-curricular activities. I enjoyed spending time with my cuties over the summer, but overall school was a positive change for sure.

Until last year I was mom to one of these elementary school kids. Zubin would have been in 6th grade this year. Last year he had designed his t-shirt for the first day of school. He had woken up early, dressed quickly and impressed me with the speed at which he had finished breakfast so we could leave for school. Zubin loved school. He loved meeting up with friends. He loved school work. He loved being on upper grade playground.

This year they are all moving on without him. They are all so busy that the school hasn’t had time to build a proper memorial for him. They are excited about future and my son is now an after thought.

What did I do on the first day of school this year? I cried a lot, mostly early in the morning, when I was supposed to wake up Zubin for school. I ached for him. My heart bled. I texted congratulations and best wishes for a great new year to Zubin’s friends and considered their affectionate replies back as little hugs from him. Then I closed myself off from all the excitement in the air and climbed back into my dark crypt.

Sometimes, it is only possible to breathe by building thick insulating walls around oneself.  I am still waiting for the courage to open a door. I love you my zuzu-bean and I miss you.